i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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