Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
