I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Randomize
