Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize