Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
