So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Randomize
