Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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