One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
