I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
