You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Randomize
