life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
