he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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