I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
