last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
