Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize