It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Randomize
