I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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