My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Randomize
