i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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