I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
