I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
