i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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