and you said cock pushups were impossible
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
