I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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