i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
