i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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