I heard we made out
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
