I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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