1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize