i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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