i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
