i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
