Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
