I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Randomize
