her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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