I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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