Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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