You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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