My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
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