hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
