It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize
