I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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