I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Randomize