K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
Randomize
