captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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