i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize