i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
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