I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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