Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
