Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
sarcasm needs its own font
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
