Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
