at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
