She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
