There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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