Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
