I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
