After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Randomize
