im about as happy as oj after his trial
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
