if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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