I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
