Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
