I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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